Done with all that annoying Christmas cheer? Ready to light Santa up brighter than Rudolph's nose? Here are the best ways to cook Santa's Christmas goose once and for all.
While you're at it, you can probably get at least six of the eight tiny reindeer and maybe a neighborhood kid or two. I suggest brushing up on your 911 skills, since you'll probably burn down your house in the process. (By the way, if you really don't want to smoke Santa, doing the opposite of everything below is a good start)
1. Leave Bare Wires Exposed
We'll start with pulling the quarter-million lights you've been collecting over the years out of the basement/garage/attic you keep them in. Don't bother with an inspection. It's likely a mouse or two has nibbled a bit of insulation off the wires. Just ignore the smoking when you plug them in. I suppose if you inspect them you'll have to ditch the broken wires but don't worry, there's still a way to zap the jolly old elf.
2. Don't Use Extension Cords Correctly
Photo (c) eflon via flickr
Try plugging ten or fifteen strings into each extension cord. Use any excess cords to tie wreaths on the eaves or make a holiday bow for the front door. Draping 30 or 130 indoor extension cords on top of the roof is sure to work like a giant bug zapper for Santa's sleigh, especially if it snows or rains. The ensuing fire damage should surely be covered by your homeowner policy.
3. Mix Wires and Lawn Mowers
If you don't like heights, skip the roof and drape your power cords on the lawn. Just don't tell the gardener about the industrial strength orange cord hidden in the grass. Green holiday cords work even better. Unless you hate your gardener -- and want to risk manslaughter charges -- I recommend keeping the lights unplugged during the day. Once the lawnmower has sufficiently chewed through it, plug the cord back in. The exposed wires will get Santa as surely as a police Taser. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick...
4. Overload the North American Power Grid
While it's not technically electrocution, it still uses Christmas lights. Once the power goes out across a nine state area and most of Saskatchewan, Santa will lose his bearings and fly right into Mount Rushmore. Of course, if this one doesn't work, you may have to file bankruptcy when the electric bill arrives in January. Until then, it sure is pretty.